myself, dr. kinghorn, my poster, my gwen bump
but i digress. the topic at hand: how long should you wait? amazingly enough i had statistically significant results with a small sample size. (hmmm ... wondering what "statistically significant" means? click here, and please take note that small sample size is a good thing.) the group that stuck out were those that waiting 4+ years from the time they began courting to the time they had children (this includes premarital courtship). compared to the groups who waited from 12 mos. up to the 4 year mark, the 4+ ers were significantly less satisfied in their marriages. their average scores were just scraping above the cutoff point used for recommendations for marriage therapy.
i have strong opinions on this subject, which is perhaps why i chose to do my senior research on it. i realize that any time you put an opinion out there, you'll find people who vehemently oppose it. that said, here it is. my opinion: one of the primary purposes of marriage is to have family increase aka children. family is what this life, this mortality, is all about. so you fell in love, awesome. so he/she loves you back, spectacular. so you want to get married, grand. are you ready for children? cause if you're not ready for children, in my opinion, you're not ready for marriage.
free [graduation] dinner for a pregnant lady ... pure bliss
let it be known, though, that i have no judgements or ill thoughts/feeling, neither openly nor secretly, for people who want to wait. i think that is an incredibly personal choice. furthermore, some people aren't waiting, they just simply aren't succeeded. infertility is a sensitive, heart-wrenching subject. however, even if that isn't the reason for delaying your own personal version of the brady bunch, it's your business.
wowzers, all i really wanted to do was talk about school and psychology and my senior project and how much i love all of the above-mentioned things, and here i am being all tangents-R-us on y'all. (see, at this very moment i'm committing a psychological "error": downplaying my opinion by acting like it's really not a big deal, thus, if offense is taken, the fault is upon the offended, the one stating the opinion was just doing so all in good fun. gee, i wish i remembered the term for that.) well, i don't mean to downplay, because at the risk of reiterating myself, this is one of the items in life i feel passionate about. i guess there are a lot of items in life i feel passionate about ....
sometimes i forget i went to college and graduated.
in conclusion, if you started dating in fall of '04, you might want to jump on the progeny bandwagon before your marriage is in total shambles (totally joking ... for real.) (but those were my findings) (but i'm joking) (i'm sure you're happily married and will stay that way) (backpedalling ... backpedalling) (bye)
18 comments:
Oh no! Aaron and I better get on it within the next year... or else we're doomed.
Which measures did you use to determine if they were "happy" "satisfied"?
how can you tell that it's because the 4+'rs didn't have kids that made them less happy?
There are lots of scenarios in my head that could create those results. and not having kids could be a symptom of a different problem. It may not be the reason for the unhappiness at all. it's a possibility right?
having said that I do agree that the purpose of marriage is to bring children to the earth, so they have loving parents to lead them and guide them through life. however...that doesn't mean that a couple has to have children within the first six months of marriage to fulfill that commandment.
It's also important to make sure your prepared to be a good parent. Sometimes the beginning of marriage is just a huge learning experience and it's important to make sure you have some sort of happy marriage harmony before you dive right into children. I don't think that you should wait for the perfect time either, because you can always make excuses as to why it's not the time. But you CANT have a strong happy family if you don't take the time to develop your marriage. Other couple feel ready right away.
It's very important to bring children to the earth, but it's JUST as important to make sure your a caring, kind, teaching parent. I think it's sad when people just have kid after kid because they think that's what your supposed to do, but they don't take loving care of the kids they have. Those first years in life determine a big part of how you feel and act for the rest of your life. You know? I guess I'm saying that it defeats the purpose to me to continue to have children when you aren't very good at caring for the children you have. Sometimes a few years makes a huge difference on what type of parent you'll be (before or after your first). All children deserve to be loved and taught how to succeed in this life and in my opinion lots of people take that responsibility too lightly. It's a delicate balance between making sure your a fit parent and doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do. It truly is different for everyone and the only thing that matters is that we're doing whats right for us (parents and children)--with the guidance of Heavenly Father, of course. and that is different for everyone.
Hmmm. Very interesting. I fall into the 4+ years category. We had been together (including "courting") for six years before we had Tru. When I look around at other married couples I feel pretty lucky that Trent and I are as close as we are, and that we fight a lot less than most couples I'm around (or maybe we just don't fight in public?)
We got to know each other very well before we brought a kid into our lives. We also went through a lot together, a lot that I'm glad a kid wasn't around to see. I agree that you need to be prepared to have kids when you get married. But, I feel very happy with the years I got to enjoy my husband and give him my undivided attention. Now, he has divided attention... but a cute little boy. Life is good, we are happy, and that's what matters.
You KNOW there is little I love more, than an "opion post". You go girl.
I think I knew Chris for a about 3.5 seconds before we got married, and then a little longer than that before we had J. I like Chris. He likes me. I like J. Chris likes J.
Had it been my way, I would have had the little human a couple years before he actually came, but like you said, that is a whole other story.
That's all I know.
I like opinion posts too! Its kind of exciting to get all passionate about a topic!!
I agree with Melissa. Especially when she said:
..."the purpose of marriage is to bring children to the earth...but that doesn't mean that a couple has to have children within the first six months of marriage to fulfill that commandment."
I don't see how it makes sense that you have to have your children right away in order to be fulfilling the commandment of having children and bringing them into a caring family. We want 5 or 6 children, and whether we had them all right away or waited a few years, I don't see how that determines whether or not we are following the commandment.
We had Paige right before our 3 year anniversary and I will always treasure those 3 years that we had to get over the silly "newlywed" fights, strengthen our relationship, and prepare for our baby.
(stepping down from soap box now.)
Great Blog Stefani! I think it's important to spend some time as a couple before you bring children into the relationship. That said, how much time is needed is different for everyone. I think being ready to have children isn't so much based on age or years together but maturity level. Some people are ready for the responsibility at a young age while others need some extra time. We had Joshua just after 2 and a half years together (including dating)and while it was a stressful time in our lives (me sick, not working, not finished school and Nilesh finishing school, waiting for immigration so he could work) I wouldn't trade the timing.... Our family wouldn't be what it is if that history was different!
That's my 2 cents! Keep up the great blogs I love reading them!
I wanted to comment and this will be the first comment I have ever made on anyone's blog. I want you, Stefani, to know that I am not offended because I agree that taking offense is the responsibility of the offended not the offender. However, I don't think you can say your opinion and then say that you have no judgments for people who want to wait. I am not offended as I said earlier, but I now know that you don't think Rachele and I were ready to get married. That is your judgment even though it is also your opinion. We sure are happy though, and will be forever so that makes us outliers in your study. I wouldn't have done the last four years any other way because Rachele and I are closer and have had so much fun together. You posted this just to be provocative, didn't you?
Hi Stef! I was a little confused for a second at the above post, "wow, I must be going crazy because I sure don't remember doing that." But I realized it was Jordan, so I am still sane.
Anyways. Jordan and I started dating in fall of '04 and I don't feel like our marriage is anywhere near total shambles. We've had an AMAZING 4 years together. We have grown so close together, gotten to know each other so well, and we've done and seen some pretty amazing things together that we wouldn't have been able to if we had kids right away. And I'm pretty sure we won't be regretting this time we had together in 10 years. We've had many older adults tell us to treasure this short time we have to just be together (because really 4 years in the long run is nothing.)
I did read in a talk by a member of the seventy that"The primary relationship in a strong, unified family is the relationship between husband and wife." What better way to start our family, but with a very loving and solid relationship that's grown stronger with time.
So I guess I'm just saying I don't think it's that bad for a relationship to wait a few years before having children. I guess every couple is different.
I feel strongly that this is something that is very personal and the answer is individual to each situation. An outsider can't know what each person is going through emotionally, spiritually, psychologically or financially.
Each couple is different, they may want to travel the world, or own a house, or complete their education or just want time to bask in their songs a letters and Just be in love and grow together, and make sure they've got their ducks in a row before they create their own little clone army. There is no cookie cutter answer for this question. What works for me might not work for you, and you them, or them etc etc.
Putting a statistic or an opinion on something that is so sacred and so personal seems unnecessary.
How or when others want to bring little spirits into the world is between them and The man upstairs. I truly believe that his timing is perfect and nothing happens that isn't supposed to. So waiting 2 or 5 or 12 years to have kids is going to be perfect timing in the eternal scheme of things.
Interesting stats. I had my babies right off the bat and we have a very happy marraige. But we were lucky enough not to have to choose between school and children since we were both already done with school when we got married.
Someone else's comment made me think of this: maybe those couples who had children sooner had them because their marriage was good, and not the other way around. But I'm sure you've studied that extensively.
I loved this post! When we got married almost 8 years ago {at 19 & 23} there was this really cool packet we were given that had a million quotes and things from prophets and general authorities basically with the message that nothing should come before starting your family. Not school, not jobs, not even houses {although I must point out that it said we should also use "wisdom in our judgement"}. We knew we wanted children right off, but much to our chagrin we still haven't been blessed with children in our home. We constantly have people saying hurtful things to us thinking we are being selfish about this topic, but if they only knew the heartache we've felt dealing with infertility. If it were up to us we would have at least 4 children by now! My husband and I have had many promises given to us about our future family and this does give us peace. I will say that the longer we've been married and not had children in our home, the harder I am afraid it will be when we are blessed with kiddos because we are set in our ways. We are used to doing what we want on a whim. As a couple it gets harder because we don't fit in with our friends {because they all have at least 2 kids} and we don't fit in with the newlyweds because we are so much older. Sorry I went off on that little tangent {and I wasn't trying to have a pity party I just have a different view} I feel strongly about this topic and agree with your thoughts and findings for your senior project!
P.S. My husband is getting his PhD in Marriage & Family Counseling and he says that the reasons some {not all} couples struggle after that "4 year mark" are because they pick at each other and they "get bored with each other" so to speak {hope that makes sense I'm just summarizing his lengthy explanation - haha}.
i love your blogs, stef. i love YOU! this was really interesting to read! talking w/ jimmy and having kids is a sensitive subject, lol! but, i do believe you whole-heartedly that marriage is for having families. and, i guess that's where i messed up. :p at any rate, i could be one of those 4+ year girls, or i couldn't. only time will tell. ;)
i think this study (and you) are so cool/interesting and i would love to talk/read/learn more about this. :)
i dont know how i missed this post but i just signed up for google reader and this showed up- so glad!
what an interesting study and i would have to say that although i think every couple is different and i really dont think some selfish/stupid people should have kids, i really must admit that it bugs me sometimes when loving and capable couples go too long without having children after they get married. i dont know what the year limit is in my mind and i wish i didnt feel this way, because it is really none of my business, but i'll be honest, i think to myself, "wow, how many more trips do you need and how many more things do you need to buy before putting off the inevitable?" it just seems kind of selfish, but then again, i dont know their personal business and maybe they want kids and cant have them, or maybe they have some emotional trauma that wouldnt be good to push on a child or maybe they really are selfish and arent we relieved they arent having kids then!!! :) haha- i dont know, to each his own i guess.
i love the way you wrote this though, so funny and clever.
Love reading your blogs, you always get me thinking!! Hope you guys are well! I would swear I've seen you several times... once "you" were even driving your green element... I quickly turned to flag "you" down when I reminded myself, 'ummm, leah.... I don't think she flew her car over from Hawaii' In which I actually rebutted, 'obviously, she could have shipped it!' Anyway... you've been on my mind. :)
Ok, I had a thought today and I just have to get it out there... What if one couple has a baby right away and then wants to space the others out a few years? Are you saying birth control is never right? What if another couple waits a few years to get pregnant, but then they have the rest of their kids really close together? Are they better? I think if you believe that couples should have children immedietly after getting married, then it would only make sense that they not use birth control in the future. Right?That's just my thought of the day. Take it or leave it. But don't leave it. Just take it. And think it over. :)
I just posted twice on accident, so I deleted it. And now, here I go again...
So what happens if a couple falls in love at a young age, and they feel like they are too young to have children right away? Long engagements are not a good idea if you want to stay moral, so what should they do? Break up? Because just hanging out for a few years until they are ready for children is dangerous for most couples. Just another thought. Ok, that will be my last comment for a while. Sorry...
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