flashlights

from the living room i watched the beam from his flashlight dance across the yard as he searched for our front door. i opened it before he knocked. i was surprised that he was alone. 

i didn't notice a gun. maybe he left it in the car. he was white. young. married. casey towered over him. 

i croaked out a "hi."

"so what's the situation? the dispatcher said something about a crying baby and a neighbor yelling."

i recounted the past 15 minutes. sick, crying gwen. 3:12 am. ignoring the shadow in the window. poopy diaper, more crying. warmer clothes, more crying. 

i started singing gwen's primary song to her to calm her, "whenever i hear the song of a bird, or look at the blue, blue sky...." i had just sat down in the rocker and began preparing to nurse, "whenever i feel the rain on my face, or the wind ..." a flashlight beam shining on gwen's face stopped me. she screamed. then it darted shakily to the wall, then the door. the crib. it disappeared. then back again, bouncing from one thing to another. shaky. pointless. irritating. frightening. what in the world is this man doing?! what does he think he's accomplishing by shining a light into my already-cranky baby's room? my pulse quickened out of fear and rage. i wanted case. 

luckily he was awake. i silently showed him the beam of light making it's way through ours and gwen's bedrooms. he directed his voice towards our window. "what's the deal, here?"

the neighbor answered in a stream of profanities and racial slurs, loud enough to wake our neighbor's toddler. we didn't respond, just shut the louvers and called 911. 

and now this man in uniform was standing at our door with his flashlight. 

we filed a report. he admired casey's fishtank. pulled himself a chair. he told us he can't really do anything unless the man threatens us or steps onto our property, but encouraged us to file a complaint every time he yells at us. if we have a history of complaints, that could mean something in court and could result in a restraining order which would make it illegal for him to converse with us in any manner, including through his window. 

or with a flashlight.