a tad sad

asthma : advair : dysphonia

a couple weeks ago i went to the doctor for a persistent chest cough that i'd had for a few weeks. i figured it was just bronchitis again because i usually get bronchitis twice a year or so, but it wasn't.

asthma.

that was the diagnosis. 

i've never had real asthma, like asthma attacks or anything. i've been prescribed inhalers intermittently (usually following a bad bout of bronchitis - like once every 2-3 years). but this time i was prescribed the normal puffer (like they have on the movies - shake, shake, BReATHE) ... and advair. advair isn't the shake and inhale type puffer; it's a powder puffer. (bubbles, i think ... ha. haha.) when you breathe your mouth fills up with powder, well, and supposedly your lungs too, of course.

for the first few days it was heaven! i never knew what i was missing! it's like the first time you put on glasses (for those of you with less than perfect vision). all of a sudden there are leaves and feather and sprinkles and wrinkles and all these things you never ever knew existed. i never knew i could breathe SO DEEPLY ... everything was better! i slept better, my energy levels were way higher, my mental clarity was way better ... life was just brighter! i guess my little cells were just thirsty for some oxygen, eh.

but i digress ... advair.

usually i really read up on stuff before i take it. i guess this diagnosis just came at me so suddenly that i lost my wits about it. i read the provided patient info., and read the directions several times (yes, they were THAT confusing to me...), and puffed away twice a day, always gargling afterwards (as instructed).

i didn't notice it until the end of last week, and even then dismissed it as an effect of the persistent coughing, not realizing it was a side-effect of the advair ...

dysphonia.

{ ||Dys*pho"ni*a,} n. [dysphonia, Gr.; dys- ill, hard + phonia- sound, voice.] A difficulty in producing vocal sounds; enfeebled or depraved voice.

if you've talked to me this week you might have noticed. my voice is weird. it's a tad raspy and pitchy and quite weak ... think pubescent boy. got it?

and i can't sing.

at all.

and quite frankly i'm a bit scared (ah, dang. now i'm crying...) from what i've read, some advair puffers have recovered from this "side effect" and some haven't. i couldn't find any absolute statistics on it. i'm hoping that since i only puffed (and inhaled, unlike clinton) for two weeks, that by quitting abruptly and taking a vocal break (no singing, yelling, honking, minimal talking, etc.) i'll have a full recovery within a months' time. that's what i'm hoping. 

but if not ... wowzers. i wish i would have recorded more. i wish i would have used my mouth for more praise and less discipline. i wish i would have uttered the sacred words of the temple more often. i wish i would have prayed out loud every day. i wish i would have read more stories during story time ...

heavens, it's not like i'm mute or anything; i'm so overdramatic. but truly, i don't sound like myself. i didn't realize how much this part of me was important to me until now. i love my voice. 

so, if it comes back, i'm definitely recording a CD this fall. nothing will stop me. (as well as many other voice-uncluded things) i never thought of my voice as fragile or lose-able, but not that i realize it is ... i don't know, i guess i'm just really really grateful (and let's not forget scared). 

blasted advair.

who wants to breathe if they can't sing?