God lives ... in so many words

i don't know where each of your are at in your lives. what struggles you might be currently enduring. how your testimony is doing. if you faith is strong and resilient or driven with the waves and tossed. me, i've been in a bit of a gray place the past year, year-and-a-half. i guess i was kind of aware of it, but not willing to change it. i knew i was unhappy, unpleasant to be around, uncordial, reserved and withdrawn ... it's quite cliche to say, but i had a wall up. i guess it's been up for a while, now that i think about it.

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i think a lot about relationships (i majored in psych for a reason.) sometimes i think i'm not too good at making friends, and i really like people and really thrive on socializing, so it troubles me. and i find myself brooding over it far too often and that has highly contributed to my "grayness". i grew up with just my mom and me in the house. she was my best-friend. we talked about everything, did everything together, my world revolved around her. and that relationship has shaped me. now, as an adult, i hunger for close, intimate relationships. i'm one of the "best friend" type of friends and i don't do well with acquaintances or casual friendships. but my fear of rejection keeps me from developing the only type of friendship i'm any good at, the always-there-no-matter-what, do-anything-for-you friend. but again, i'm not good at maintaining this relationship with multiple people, usually just a "bestie" or two. it's a really hard blow for me when i take that leap of letting someone in, letting my cliche "wall" down, and having my trust betrayed or the friendship tossed aside. it's like a bad break-up, and i'm left all mangled and broken for way too long.

holy deep for a blog post ...

this really isn't a "poor stef" post - just check the title. so let's get back to it: the smuggy grayness that has been me for the past ... oh, i don't know. long time.

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i haven't been doing the things that bring happiness, ie. regular scripture study, regular prayer, service, having a hobby, creating something, basking in the glow of the light that is my children, etc., and the Lord has been nagging me for quite some time to give up this melancholy and let Him in.

so i am.

i've been reading scriptures more lately. i absolutely adore my scriptures. i know people say that a lot. i don't know quite how to express my attachment to the words of Christ ... they fill me. they make me who i am. without them life is ... well, it's gray.

tonight i read 3 nephi 11 and acted as if i had stumbled upon a book of mormon and was reading it for the first time. i tricked my mind and told it it didn't know what was going to happen. and when that voice, that voice from heaven that was finally understandable the 3rd time, when it said what was happening i was riveted. and when He spoke ... His voice, His words ... and then He showed us His hands. His side. His feet. And we go to touch them ... He show us His marks of love for us. and i couldn't believe it was real.

then His words cut through the haze of gray when He said "... he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend one with another." (3 nephi 11:29). i realized i've been contending with myself, of all people. that i've wanted to be a better, nicer, more open, loving person, but my fear and hurt and bitter, broken heart have been winning.

then i was snapped back to His sermon when He repeated Himself , "... I say unto you, ye must repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things. And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God." (3 nephi 11:37-38)

i have a little child.

i have two little children.

little

precious

children

of God.

i really do want to be like them. their eyes are so bright. their love is so forgiving and free. their happiness is full and unrestrained.

(um, they had just woken up here. really, they're smiley happy people ... really.)

as i continued to peruse the word of Christ i stumbled upon a topic of study that God knows fills my soul with fire for life. it is THE gospel topic for me. i'm sure many of us have that one particular doctrine or sermon or what ever it might be that really lights our souls on fire and makes us declare then and there that we'll never go back and forever press forward with sheer determination to live THIS principle to the end. to achieve this thing ...

He remembered what that topic was! to me it was, sadly, long forgotten.

pages and pages of notes and talks and cross-references and research ...

forgotten.

but now they are remembered. IT is remembered.

and i am so grateful and so excited to be alive.

to have a chance to make-up the ground i've lost ... and there's a lot of it.

i am no longer gray.

i am green.

i am orange.

i am aqua.

i am yellow.

i am indigo.

i am me.

welcome back.

or nice to meet you ...

whatever.