absent, i am

click and read.

or watch it. then click it again, and read. whatever.

(but seriously, it's not everyday you'll see a hasidic Jew singing reggae. just sayin'.)

and of course, case discovered it. as always. cause he rocks my world.

so here's the deal. i haven't blogged in a bit... lots on the mind. so here it is in no particular order, well, maybe in the order of mind space. or mind real estate {confession: for some reason i can't fathom, i had to google "real estate" for the spelling... true story. and that is how frazzled i am.}

... THE LUMP ...

i found a lump.

i'm sure lots of women find lumps.

according to the ultra sound my most significant lump,

the one i went in for,

is 12 cm long.

and is, in fact, not a lump at all.

but an enlarged milk duct.

yes, we're talking about a breast here.

and it's benign. non-cancerous.

that little tid-bit of info. has been all-consuming the past couple weeks.

yes yes, i'm over dramatic.

and was already mentally preparing for a mastectomy. true story.

and i'm meaning absolutely no disrespect to breast cancer and it's survivors.

but really, i was freaked out, and was preparing to be ranked among them.

sorry for those i lied to... i felt like i was lying to everyone that asked

"how are you doing?"

because even the question, that simple, little, typical question would lead to me

biting my tongue

and blinking my eyes profusely.

"don't cry. don't cry. think positive. just say 'i'm great!' and carry on the conversation. just don't cry!!"

the day i found the lump, less than an hour later actually, i ran into my friend ashley at foodland.

our girls weaved themselves in and out of the row of grocery carts

and i blabbed on about something,

anything and everything

just to fill the air space

and make sure i didn't start babbling on about something else

hanging below my collar bone

hanging on my newly exposed fear and worry

(overdramatic)

or when i was trying to find babysitters to go to the radiology appt. in town

and many i called/texted assumed the appt. was for the ankle

and i just went on letting them assume.

or if they really inquired and i admitted what the appt. was really for,

i downplayed the whole situation like i wasn't really worried.

when in truth i was cutting the conversation short because i didn't want the girls to see me cry

a g a i n .

(seriously so overdramatic... but that's me.)

but again, not cancerous. not even a lump, or fibrocystic breast disease (another idea my doc threw out.) just oddly, suddenly enlarged ducts that hurt a bit {well, a lot, really. and side note: when it comes to diagnosing breast cancer, pain is a good thing. meaning a non-marker for cancer. so if you have a lump and it hurts, it's likely it's NOT cancer. just some FYI.}.

... THE PACI ...

we took gwen off the paci.

today.

so far so goodish.

big 'ISH'.

they had a really strong relationship... BFFs.

it'll take a while.

she's crying a bit right now... woke up and realized her mouth was empty, i'm sure.

... THE CRAVING ...

i mentioned a bit ago about a little craving i've been having

for another little human.

it has grown from little craving to ravenous thirst.

and as fate/luck/God/callitwhatyouwill would have it... the hubby and i are on the same page.

m i r a c l e .

and it feels right.

but, and it's a big but

we're having some insurance issues right now.

let's just say we've been a bit UNinsured since nov.

and i won't go into the nitty-gritty details

but pregnancy and no insurance just don't mesh well.

so i'm irked,

and my womb is empty

until case's boss can afford to pay premiums,

or we move to canada.

whichever comes first.

{and for those innately sensitive souls who are thinking something along the lines of nov. being a long time ago, and how i broke my ankle, and gwen sprained her wrist, and addi threw a large rock at her head, (read: lots of ER visits. orthopedic surgeon visits. oh, and an ambulance ride.) and i got an ultrasound, etc. on my breasts, and casey had to see a dermatologist, twice, for his eczema, and other common illnesses have likely happened since nov. ... yes, yes they have. they all have. and it's been quite costly.}

... THE HUBBY ...

casey started a new mod.

meaning he's currently modernizing an elevator that's just a tad old.

and tacky.

and probably rickety too.

it's in waikiki at a residential apartment complex with lots of elderly tenants.

tenants who use the elevator everyday.

the only elevator in the complex.

and are somewhat bummed it's down for 6 wks.

so far they're nice. but it's just week 1.

maybe i'll start sending him to work with plates full of cookies.

then everybody will love his guts as much as i do.

casey is good at what he does. i think he's the best. but then again, i think he's the best at everything.

except for mopping. i'm the best at that.

and changing poopy diapers.

... THE BLUE PEOPLE ...

we had our valentines date this past saturday.

mostly we ran errands in town without kids.

and watched avatar which, by the way, was enlightening.

and since we watched avatar on a saturday evening, i dreamed about it saturday night.

and then sunday morning at 8am church, our lesson on the millenium seemed right up the alley of

avatar

i know i know.

don't worry. i never voiced my avatarian insights to anyone but casey.

{who kindly told me, "you're not gonna share that right? really, don't say that." HAAhahaaahaaHA!}

... THE VEGGIES ...

i think asparagus and broccoli are my favorite vegetables.

and broccoli might win-out just a little because of the whole asparagus-pee thing.

which, i've learned, isn't a universal phenomenon.

so you might have no idea what i'm talking about when i say "asparagus pee".

but if you know,

YOU KNOW.

... MATISYAHU ...

the music you're assumedly listening to is actually coming to this little island.

this week!

and we're going.

because we NEVER go to concerts, and it's fairly cheap.

i'm pretty pumped.

and i am fascinated with Jewish people. the more faithful the greater the fascination.

so really, it's a double-bonus.

... PROGRESS ...

our garage door comes next week.

it's actually on-island right now!!!!!!!!

but not in our possession.

garage door means we can finally set-up casey's woodshop. YAY!!!!!!

seriously, hugely jubilous shouts of glee.

so much so that i had to pretend jubilous was a word just to describe them.

my ankle is kinda getting better.

i don't really know how to answer when people ask

cause it still hurts

and i'm still supposed to be wearing a walking boot for 2.5 more weeks

and then 6 wks or so of physical therapy after that.

and it's still supposed to be elevated, compressed, iced/heated for as much time as i possibly can.

HA!

that one's quite impossible.

blah. the ankle is getting old. i'm so done with it. it's so 2009.

i ordered a new sewing machine since my old one was sew excited about the winter olympics it practiced it's ski jumping skills right off the top of my 5 ft. piano.

epic fail.

so i ordered the same one from costco.com

and fingers are crossed that it'll get her soon cause there are LOTS of bdays coming up.

and i was SO close to finishing a dress i designed for addi...

it's late.

and gwen just woke-up again realizing she is, in fact, paci naked.

gosh i love my kids.