{HEART} broken

seeing as how emotions are subjective, i figure i have just as much right as the next guy to attempt to define them. today i was thinking about a broken heart and the emotion of a broken heart and what makes a broken heart in the first place. i decided that it's the result of giving a bit of yourself to someone, particularly the heart bit, and then the situation doesn't quite turn out the way you expected, and that bit of yourself that you trusted to someone else you never get back.

so you're left with this longing, aching sort of feeling. you think of all the things you could do with that bit of heart if it was still yours. you wonder what said person has done with it - if they've just forgotten they have it ... if they take it out of a little box and think on it from time to time ... if they gave you a piece of their heart and are thinking the same things about you.

the funny thing though, at least in my experience, is no matter how many pieces you give away, there's always a plentiful supply of heart left.

returning, i think it's good to simmer on our emotions for a bit. i don't know that i agree with the term "negative emotions". since when are emotions linear? i think an emotion can only be considered negative or positive when taken in context. for example, happiness would be a negative emotion when it is a by-product of someone else's grief, pain, fear, etc. and contrariwise, sadness, despair, heart break etc. are not necessarily negative emotions. i think it's important to allow ourselves to feel these feelings, to let the aching seep into every crevice of our soul, to really experience it and breathe it in, to really ponder on it for a bit.

i did that today. i thought through a few of my life's heart-aches one by one, person by person. i realize that to have your heart broken you first have to love and how part of loving is giving of yourself. i thought of the pain associated with this emotion, and how in some strange way it tastes sweet, to have that yearning and aching. perhaps because the sting is soothed by the balm of the atonement. perhaps because love, even when unrequited or betrayed or lost, is still love.

then i thought of God. He has loved all of us. He has given of Himself to all of us. and each and every one of us, at one time or another, has caused Him to be heart broken. i imagined Him in my mind's eye sitting upon His throne in the Heavens, leaning with His elbows on His knees, his face resting in his scarred palms, weeping of a broken heart "... how is it that Thou canst weep ..." and i wondered, where does He turn for peace? where is His solace? and again i imagined another corner of heaven where stand those who have not forgotten the piece of His heart He has given them. then i wondered which corner i more frequent, the weeping corner or the rejoicing corner ....

i suppose there is no mortal relationship that at one time or another won't cause heart ache. friends, parents, siblings, spouses - where there is love there is the opportunity for a broken heart. but there is an exception, this i learned today, and it is so obvious, but today it was my epiphany: when you give your heart to God you are guaranteed that He will never abuse it, never neglect that little piece of you that left you vulnerable and defenseless before Him.

that's what i've taken from my quarter-century of heart breaks.