i'm glad i was a nerd

I had a moment of nostalgia today. I was taken back to my middle school/junior high days, which I fondly refer to as my "nerd among nerds" years. Think of the nerdy kid in your 7th grade science class... got them in mind? Now magnify it by an orange mullet, multicolored stone-washed jeans, over-sized glasses, brown-nosing band nerd and you get me. And to top it all off with a dollop of "even more annoying", I was confident, outspoken, and opinionated. I liked myself. I wasn't the shy, quiet nerd in the corner, I was the answer all the questions, no shame, talk to the popular kids like they might actually not hate you, tae kwon do loving, teacher's pet nerd. Even the band nerds didn't like me (they voted me "Most Annoying", and I have the certificate to prove it). And I mean it when I say I liked myself. I was confident in who I was. I thought of myself as beautiful and intelligent and funny and someone everyone would want to hang out with if they just knew me better... etc. etc. etc. But I was also incredibly lonely, and heart broken that no one wanted to be my friend. I remember crying, literally, to my mom that no one wanted to be my friend. On multiple occasions. But I saw no need to change anything about myself to be more likable.

Excluded. In a word, I felt excluded.

And that's the feeling that took me back today. Exclusion. And I realized that it's a deep-seated fear of mine. Exclusion. Not being accepted. Not being liked for who I am. Which sucks, just like in middle school, because I like me. Just how I am. And that was an epiphany I had today, that those fundamental characteristics... confident, outspoken, opinionated... those haven't changed. So as much as I have changed, I haven't changed at all.

Seven years. We've lived in Hawaii seven years and I feel like we (I) am just now starting to make some friends in the past few months. I mean, there were a few here and there along the way (you know who you are....) But usually they would either move or I'd shut them out before they had a chance to reject me. Before I could be/feel excluded. Because if someone rejects/excludes you and you don't know them well, no biggie. You can write it off as, "They don't know me well." But if you've hung out a few times, had real chats, gotten to know each other, yada yada... well, that's choosing against having you around. read: exclusion (refer to previous introspection regarding "deep-seated fears")

Now let's not be on a pity train here, because that's really not where I'm headed. Remember the whole "I like myself" spiel. Yah, I meant it. What I'm getting around to is, I'm grateful for my years in nerd-dom. I'm grateful to know what exclusion feels like. I'm grateful to know that there is life after craptasticness, and mostly, I'm grateful for my sympathy towards others which leads to a desire to include everyone on everything. To find common ground. To be genuinely interested in what other people care about. And I'm glad I can pass this on to my kids... I'm glad they don't see people that way (yes they're young, and I'll get back to you in 10 years, but so far, so good). Of course there's the downside of being afraid of getting to know people. But all in all, I'm glad I was a nerd.