so i gathered myself, gathered my womens, and we hopped on over to the playground. my friend isa was there, and like all good-intentioned, just-making-conversation people do, she said, "hey! how're you doing?" i did that stiff head nod, the one where you're kind of sucking your neck muscles in, chin jutting out, stifling tears. then the waterworks ensued. right there at the TVA playground.
crying ... not my thing.
crying in public ... really not my thing.
but i'm exhausted. the past few weeks (read: few months) have been so difficult with my addi. i'm at the end of my knowledge base AKA rope. i have no idea what to do. and it's hard for me to explain what exactly about the situation is so exhausting.
when addi was born, her first night of life, the nurses said, "wow. she's a tough one." they called her "princess diva". princess because she had to have what she wanted. diva because if she didn't get it el pronto she would scream and scream and scream inconsolably. i remember our second night in the hospital (after her birth) they refused to take her or help us with her. we didn't know what to do. she didn't want to nurse, didn't want the bottle, didn't want to be held, didn't want to be left alone, didn't have gas, was at a comfortable temperature, clean diaper, etc. etc. etc. the list was checked off.
so i just assumed i really sucked at this mom thing. my baby preferred being left alone. she didn't like nursing ... quit at 2 months. cried and cried for no reason (and for those of you thinking 'oh, it was reflux' or 'it was diaper rash' or whatever it is that your baby or babies you know might have cried/screamed about ... it wasn't). i got to the point where i could tell the difference between a real scream/cry and a fake one. i remember several occasions riding in the car with friends and addi would be screaming/crying. i'm sure i seemed completely insensitive and like the worst mom in the world when i would say, "ignore it. it's nothing." because really, it was. addi was born with a temper, it seems.
but then again, obviously it's not nothing. i mean really, who screams about nothing? right? i realize i'm rambling at this point, but i need to ramble. you have no obligation to read. i'm not promising some fairytale ending here ... just a tired, frustrated momma who needs to let out 2 1/2 years of feeling like a failure and being so afraid of judgement that i haven't talked to anyone about it.
so i thought i just wasn't cut out to be a mom. then came gwen. gwen the angel. and i thought, "hey, she likes me... she even LOVES me!" gwen would smile at me, crawl to me, ask for me in her little baby way. she would get excited when i walked into a room ... still does. and i thought, "see, i'm a good mom." but how hard is it to be a good mom to a perfect baby?? it's like saying you're a good chef because you're KRAFT mac'n'cheese turns out perfect. hello?!
so this morning as addi was screaming at me for about the 6th time today, this time being because she didn't want yogurt. then she did, so i gave it to her. then she didn't and starting dropping it in pools on her highchair tray and screaming "no momma! no yogurt!" so i asked her what she wanted, offering options: bread, cheese, carrots, crackers, cereal, banana, quesadilla, apple, etc. etc. etc., as i cleaned up the yogurt mess, she started yelling at me that she wanted the yogurt back and hitting me with her yogurty spoon .... that's when i broke just a little. the strong little facade i try to put up cracked like humpty dumpty, and i fell, hopeless and defeated, from my wall.
i feel so vulnerable sharing my struggles with add. she's a fun girl and i seriously have a blast hanging out with her. she's always quick to share, looks out for the little kids, loves her gwenner, helps with clean-up ... her laugh is incredibly contagious. and when i express my difficulties with her i feel like people are thinking (maybe you're right. you just aren't so skilled at the mom thing) or they think they could step in and fix the problem in a snap. i know i haven't dealt with it, with add, the best way possible. i know i've lost my temper with her and sent her to her room to play just so that i could breathe for a minute. i recognize that i've raised my voice to her in response to her raising her voice to me ... no good. i know i've messed up, but i keep trying. i try to plan our days and keep her busy: we do learning time. drawing time. play time. beach time. music time. i feed her in regular intervals because i've noticed that if she goes more then 2-3 hours without eating she's more emotional. (low blood sugar??) i really am trying. some days i try my best. other days, i feel so exhausted that i just give it all that i can, realizing it's not my "best".
sometimes i just want someone to understand. someone else who has a difficult child, not just a tantrum throwing toddler, but a little one who will scream to the point of bursting capillaries in her little face and neck (that was monday). i want them to tell me, "i understand how you feel. she's normal. you're normal. in a few years this will all be history ... just hang on."
so today the tears are flowing because today i was defeated before the clock struck 10. today i just wanted a day alone, to re-coop and gather strength to try and pick myself back up to be a good mother to my addi. today is just one of those days.
21 comments:
Oh Stef!!! I'm sorry! I don't know what to say other than that! Sometimes this parenting thing really is so hard. I think that you are a terrific mama! I think that both of your girls are really lucky to have you as a mom. Hang in there. I wish I could send you a magic cure, but I can't. Just remember that Heavenly Father sent you this sweet little "free spirited" girl for a reason, and he knew that you were the right one for her.
I for one think that you are a FANTASTIC mother, it shows so much through these blog posts that I read about your little family. I remember feeling frustrated with Kennedy when she was about that age, she was just my "strong-willed child." But now that she is 4, she is much more managable and more easily reasoned with. I bet you that Addi is just a strong-willed child going through those
2's. Parenting can be SO frustrating sometimes because you just don't know what to do and I raise my voice far too often leaving me with insurmountable guilt. But Heavenly Father knows that we are human and trying our best and he sees your struggles and you will be blessed. Hang in there, you are doing a great job. My day today wasn't that great either...we had ice cream to make us feel better! Maybe you should have some too! ;)
I have nothing to say but I'm sorry. I DO think you are a good mom, I know I'm not there, but I know you and I know that you are probably trying all you can to make that little girl happy. So, no advice, no other words of comfort, just I'm sorry and I wish I could help.
lately i have been feeling this way. my kids don't scream til their capillaries burst, but sometimes they fight and argue and malik is in this really oppositional phase and they yell at me in or act up in front of other people and i feel like a crap mother and i get mad sometimes and spank them or yell at them and feel really crappy immediately after (and vow i'll never do that again...). and feel like a bad mother. we all have our down days. the thing about parenting is that we learn as we go. we just need to have the patience and keep waking up everyday and trying. that's all we can do. and be grateful that our children are very forgiving and love us despite our imperfectness.
oh stef- i wish i still would have still been at the park today. i am sorry i missed you.
liko gave some great advice. i wish i had my own to give. i am still waiting for that stage to hit and i am sure it will.
i do have bad days though. just keep trucking. that is sometimes the best you can do.
love you girlie!!
Stef I think you are an amazing mama too!!! I see you with the girls and you are so good and have so much patience. I too am like Echo and have not experienced Addi's age yet but I am looking forward to it. I hear girls are super emotional and are like roller coaters. All I have now to compare it to is 1 year old tantrums where Elizabeth throws her body in the air backwards and hits the ground... Keep doing what you are doing and I think it is great you put her in her room to play so you can have a break. Heavenly Father knows if us moms didn't get a break we would go absolutely INSANE!!! I love you. Take care of yourself and let me know if you ever need help. SERIOUSLY
I'm so sorry Stef. Being a mom is extremely overwhelming sometimes. Its crazy how different each child is. I bet Addi will get better as she gets older, but until then, I think its so important that moms get plenty of breaks and time to do their own thing. I'm sorry that things have been so rough. All of us mothers feel for you. I wish I had some good advice or something... sorry.
Parenting is such a hard job. Your girls are beautiful and i think you are doing a great job. I have a little over 3 weeks left.
My first child was a challenge, much like your Addi. Just to let you know she will get better with time and age. Always be consistent with rules.Consistent with routines. She probably has a lot inside of her head she can't explain right now, because of her age. These little ones come with such strong personalities and passion. Work with her, she will be an awesome teenager! She will always be strong-willed, but that is good especially if directed in the right way. Keep up with raising her righteously and she will do just fine. There will be more break down days, sorry, hang in there and don't get discouraged. You can get tired, but not discouraged!!
I am Echo's mom, sorry I am blogstalking. I had to comment!
oh no! you know the sad thing about yesterday is that i have this "amby play with friends/babysitting so my friends can have a break" project that i have been doing lately and yesterday from 9-11am was supposed to be your turn and i was gonna have add and gwen over to play and then we had to go to a dentist appointment in kaneohe instead. they changed it on me! i wish things would have gone differently and then yesterday wouldnt have happened in the same way for you- but i guess that doesnt matter in the long run since it sounds like you have been dealing with this for a long time.
i think you have seen amby in his "finest" moments and i have felt the same way. i have no expert advice since i am even more new to this than you- but i just try to keep the consequences consistent. my dad taught me that. he gets time outs and when that doesnt do the trick and he just cant calm himself down he gets gently but firmly led by the hand (sometimes dragged a little if he is kicking and screaming) to his room and i close the door and hold it- telling him he can come out when he calms down- i stop holding the door when he stops screaming or trying to get out. so far, this has worked. he just comes out when he is ready and he is actually way happier and forgiving because he knows i love him, but i mean business.
this is all i've got so far. other days i just feel like a teenage mom. :)
Hey Stef, I know time outs work for Eden, but Eden is a different child indeed. But consistancy is important like Steph said. That's what works for us. Ever watch Super Nanny? I like to watch that on ABC, cause then I realize there are parents out there who are in a worse boat than me, and their kids are MUCH more difficult x3,4 or 5 depending on how many they have. It's online. We use her time-out technique, I like it cause it "usually" keeps me calm and in control. She also has some other really good and useful ideas.
Anyway, I don't think any of us think you are a bad mom, but I know the feeling. I have been there many a time, going to bed with a knot in my stomach re-playing the days events and the things I said...or just being upset with myself that another day has gone by and I didn't enjoy my time with Eden to the fullest.
I know Case is gone a lot so it's hard to get a break in, so whenever you need to you are welcome to send Addi back to play with Eden even if it's just for 10 or 20 minutes so you can breathe.
Oh, and I know she loves you...just incase you were wondering. Cause everytime she comes over here, I have never needed to "send" her back home. I just let her play till she asks for Mamma.
Love ya. Hang in there. I am sure it gets better. When my mom talks about me as a child it sounds a lot like she's describing Addi. She (my mom) often wonders how I ended up with such an easy going child as Eden. I used to jump out of the car (while it was moving) as we were driving to church because I didn't want to go. My dad kicked me out of the car for the first time when I was 3 because I wouldn't stop screaming "I wanna go home!". He left me on a corner and drove off. (Don't worry, he only turned the corner, but could still see me...I just coudln't see him.) So you can ask my mom some tips when she gets here in a month. ;-) But just think in 25 years you can have someone like me!! ;-) Hang in there, use me, and I love you. The end.
I wish I had some advice or something but I dont just yet! At least you know she isn't boring and has a her very own strong willed personality! It will be great when she is an adult....but for now, probably not so fun for you!
I am so sorry I didn't go to the playground with you! I think you are a terrific Mom. Last Aloha Friday Beach Day, when it was super windy, and we ended up on the grass; I saw you calmly talk to Addi and ask her if it was okay to play on the grass instead of at the beach. I was very impressed by this and thought it so good of you to ask Addi her opinion, and explain to her why we were going to play on the grass instead of at the beach! You are a great Mom! Please let me know if can ever help you out, I am just down the street!
Wow, Stef. You're amazing. You're doing a great job, don't beat yourself up. I have so enjoyed "getting to know" you and your family this last little while and I just adore you! Hang in there :)
first, your a rad fun mom.
second, don't get down on yer self!
third, just think what a strong woman that girl will be- ha!
forth, wish i was there to give ya a hand!
fifth- it's totally cool to break down, did it 2 days ago, i know how you feel and i hope it gets better.
did i mention your a rad mom?
I'm so sorry your having a rough time. You're a great mum Stef, no doubt about it. I wish I could say more but I haven't been in that situation (although Joshua has started screaming and turing red- it's scary!). From reading the posts above it sounds like we are all trying to figure out how to do this 'mommy' thing. You're doing a great job- don't give up!
i think you are a fabulous mom! The funny thing is, I have a nephew that is totally exactly like her and it kills my sister in law. Every kid has their own personalities with the things we wish we could change. But you are fabulous and I think you do a great job! Hopefully one day she will grow out of it - or have a kid exactly like herself and karma will make you laugh ;)
Oh Stef,
So many people love you and your blog. It's a challenge to say anything in addition to what's been said. I would just add that you and Casey shouldn't forget that you had faith enough to have a second baby even though your first baby was such a struggle. You have a tremendous amount of love to give and the Lord knows that you love little Addi and want to help her succeed in life. He also knows that you and Casey would be able to help her in the ways she needs to grow in His light. I have complete faith in you to be the mother that Addi needs. You are one of the most wonderful women that I know. I found a little quote to reassure yourself when you feel like other's are judging you. Stef, you know best as a prayerful loving parent. Love you.
“One of the most difficult parental challenges is to appropriately discipline children. Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another. I do not know who is wise enough to say what discipline is too harsh or what is too lenient except the parents of the children themselves, who love them most. It is a matter of prayer-ful discernment for the parents. Certainly the overarching and undergirding principle is that the discipline of children must be motivated more by love than by punishment” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1990, 41; or Ensign, Nov. 1990, 34).
Wow Stef! You are so amazing! I know that doesn't mean a lot coming from me.....but truly you are!! ALL the advice you have received so far is awesome advice. Heavenly Father did send Addi to you for a reason. I think it is human nature to feel as if you've been beat but really it's just a learning process. I can tell you are an amazing mom by the blogs that you post. You have a very supportive husband as well which is an added bonus! I think Heavenly Father also sent Gwen to you so that you could see the other side! YOu have the cutest little girls and you are doing a very good job with being their mom! It's okay to have days like the one you've had. It's good to have those days! Take care of yourself Stef! I love you!
Oh, I am such a loser for just now reading this post.
Urgh.
I know I wasn't there at the park that day.
Double urgh...
You are an awesome Mama, and both your girls ADORE you!! It's so obvious. I don't care what anyone says, every kid is "crazy" at some point in time. Even the kids that you think are perfectly well mannered, will have their "crazy" moments; it's just a matter of "how crazy". It has nothing to do with the parent, or reflect on you directly.
AND, there is no such thing as a perfect baby!! You think Gwen is so perfect, because YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT MOM.
Give yourself some credit. Some major credit.
And ice cream.
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